Conflicting Emotions And Open Adoption

A mother who has lost her child to an open adoption faces problems that are unique to her situation. Whether she learns about her child through letters and pictures or has direct contact with his adopters, her position is a precarious one.

Though mothers involved in open adoptions may find comfort in knowing that their children are alive and well, they are put in the conflicted position of being a “special friend” or “extended family member” to their own children. They can watch, but not interfere in, the raising of their children by others. Adoption proponents tell mothers that they are “in control” before their children are born. Once the adoption is finalized, they realize just how powerless they are.

Mothers who have lost a child to open adoption need as much support as mothers exiled by closed adoption. They may experience many of the same psychological problems, in addition to coping with the unique predicaments that come with open adoptions. The time just before and immediately after a visit with their children can be particularly difficult. As a friend, you can help by acknowledging the mother’s grief and giving her a non-judgmental space in which to talk about her feelings.