Understanding The Loss Of The Child

Historically, mothers who surrendered their children to adoption were expected to return to their previous lives as if nothing had changed. Though more and more people now realize that adoption is far more complex, the stereotype of an unconcerned woman willingly abandoning her child still influences the way many perceive the natural mother’s losses in adoption.

According to feminist researcher and historian Joss Shawyer, the loss of a child to adoption can be accurately compared to losing a child to death. There are, however, two very basic differences. At risk of stating the obvious: when a child is adopted away from his family, he is not dead. There is no closure and no finality. Parents who have lost a child in this way are faced with constant concerns about where their children are, how they are faring, and the myriad other worries the average parent has when her children are out of her sight for any length of time. Another critical difference is that after the death of a child, parents receive a genuine outpouring of support and compassion while mothers of adoption loss are rarely acknowledged at all. The inability to grieve publicly has had a lasting effect on many surrendering parents.

Think for a moment about your own prejudices. How would you feel about losing one of your children? Would you ever choose to surrender a baby for adoption? Ironically, though the majority of Americans support adoption as an institution, only a small percentage say that they would ever even consider surrendering their own children. Why, then, is it an acceptable practice for other mothers? Understanding that the loss of a child to adoption is a tragedy for all women, regardless of their race, age, income, or marital status, is a powerful step toward eradicating adoption altogether.