Understanding The Loss Of The Child

Historically, mothers who surrendered their children to adoption were expected to return to their previous lives as if nothing had changed. Though more and more people now realize that adoption is far more complex, the stereotype of an unconcerned woman willingly abandoning her child still influences the way many perceive the natural mother’s losses in adoption.

According to feminist researcher and historian Joss Shawyer, the loss of a child to adoption can be accurately compared to losing a child to death. There are, however, two very basic differences. At risk of stating the obvious: when a child is adopted away from his family, he is not dead. There is no closure and no finality. Parents who have lost a child in this way are faced with constant concerns about where their children are, how they are faring, and the myriad other worries the average parent has when her children are out of her sight for any length of time. Another critical difference is that after the death of a child, parents receive a genuine outpouring of support and compassion while mothers of adoption loss are rarely acknowledged at all. The inability to grieve publicly has had a lasting effect on many surrendering parents.

Think for a moment about your own prejudices. How would you feel about losing one of your children? Would you ever choose to surrender a baby for adoption? Ironically, though the majority of Americans support adoption as an institution, only a small percentage say that they would ever even consider surrendering their own children. Why, then, is it an acceptable practice for other mothers? Understanding that the loss of a child to adoption is a tragedy for all women, regardless of their race, age, income, or marital status, is a powerful step toward eradicating adoption altogether.

Acknowledging Parenthood

In addition to understanding the complexity of adoption loss, it is critical that you understand and identify the birth mothers as a mother. A mother who has surrendered her child to adoption is still a mother; she has been separated from her child, but she has not surrendered her motherhood.

You would never expect a mother to simply get over the kidnapping of her first born child. You would never tell a mother that she could replace her stillborn with more children someday. You would never suggest that a mother was better off for the death of her child. Mothers who have experienced adoption loss report hearing these things frequently over the course of their lives. They are expected to get over their losses, replace their firstborns with other children, and accept that they are better off without their babies. Regardless of your position and feelings on the subject of adoption, it's important to understand the birth mother's role in the adoption process and treat her with respect. 

Common Psychological Problems For Surrendering Mothers

Research has consistently shown that adoption has a lasting psychological effect on surrendering mothers. They are prone to myriad psychological problems including depression, feelings of guilt and regret surrounding the adoption of their children, dissociative disorders, nightmares, flashbacks, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Most mothers report that their symptoms grow worse with the passing of time. They can be triggered by various events including the birth of subsequent children, adoption-related news stories, and reunion. They can also impact various aspects of the mother’s life, including her relationships with romantic partners, her attitude toward her other children, and her ability to trust others.

If you have lost a child to adoption, I recommend reading Adoption Healing by Joseph Soll and Karen Wilson-Buterbaugh. This book is an incredible tool for mothers who are looking to understand more about what was done to them by the adoption industry. It is also an invaluable resource for anyone interested in learning more about adoption and how to relate to mothers of adoption loss.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder And Adoption

Like other psychological disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is commonly associated with the loss of a child to adoption. You are probably used to hearing about PTSD in war veterans who experience nightmares, flash-backs, panic attacks, psychosomatic aches and pains, and other difficulties. The same symptoms have been statistically proven in an overwhelming majority of surrendering mothers.

Many mothers do not immediately connect their problems with the surrender of their children, and it can be a challenge for them to find therapists who are capable of dealing with trauma inflicted by the loss of a child to adoption. If you are an exiled mother, you may not be able to find a therapist who has experience working with adoption survivors. You can, however, make an effort to locate a therapist who specializes in grief counseling, early separation of mothers and children, and related fields. In addition, it is especially important to find a therapist who is neutral; someone who has adopted a child is likely going to be a bad choice as she has a personal interest in viewing adoption positively. You have every right to interview a prospective counselor to make sure that he or she seems like a good fit for your situation.

Anger And Advocacy

Anger is another common emotion for mothers who have lost a child to adoption. It may be present always, or it may begin to surface with time and experience. It is important to remember that anger is not a bad thing. Anger can be an incredible motivator when used properly. Many mothers report that using this powerful emotion has helped them to become advocates for other parents and for themselves. In doing so, they have been able to help other women to avoid adoption and enjoy parenting their own babies. Activism has given them a sense of purpose and healing.

If you encounter a mother who is angry over her loss, take care to remember that she has valid reasons for her anger. Natural mothers, too, are justified in feeling anger at the adoption industry and its supporters.

Conflicting Emotions And Open Adoption

A mother who has lost her child to an open adoption faces problems that are unique to her situation. Whether she learns about her child through letters and pictures or has direct contact with his adopters, her position is a precarious one.

Though mothers involved in open adoptions may find comfort in knowing that their children are alive and well, they are put in the conflicted position of being a “special friend” or “extended family member” to their own children. They can watch, but not interfere in, the raising of their children by others. Adoption proponents tell mothers that they are “in control” before their children are born. Once the adoption is finalized, they realize just how powerless they are.

Mothers who have lost a child to open adoption need as much support as mothers exiled by closed adoption. They may experience many of the same psychological problems, in addition to coping with the unique predicaments that come with open adoptions. The time just before and immediately after a visit with their children can be particularly difficult. As a friend, you can help by acknowledging the mother’s grief and giving her a non-judgmental space in which to talk about her feelings.

Mothering Subsequent Children

Secondary infertility is more common among mothers who have lost children to adoption than among the general population, a finding that has been replicated in several research studies. One study in particular also found that 20-30 percent of exiled mothers chose not to have any more children.

Of the mothers who did go on to have more children, some reported an increased sense of guilt and regret about the adoption after their other children were born. They experience a wide range of feelings, including a sense of over-protectiveness to their child and also fear that something or someone would take their children away.

Mothers who have experienced adoption loss must be treated with extra sensitivity when pregnant and birthing additional children. The trauma of losing one child to adoption is likely to resurface at such an emotional time. If you work with expectant mothers in this precarious position, listen to their needs and assure them of their parenting abilities. 

Mothers And Reunion

Over time and through research it has been documented that the overwhelming majority of natural mothers would welcome a reunion with their adult children. Though some mothers choose not to search our their children for fear of rejection or concern that their child is not interested in being found, others actively seek out their lost sons and daughters as soon as possible. This can be a difficult situation as both adopted adults and natural parents sometimes refrain from searching even though they desperately want to reunite. Adoptees can take comfort in knowing that almost always, their mothers will be elated to be found; their search efforts will not have been wasted.

It's important to understand that reuniting can bring up many distressing emotions for natural mothers. Seeing the child from whom they were separated as a grown person is a reminder of all the time they lost as that child's parent. Although many reunited families go on to develop beautiful and satisfying relationships, nothing can make up for the lost time. It is extremely common for both parties involved in a reunion to become consumed with one another and with the reunion itself. If this is happening to you, there is no need to be alarmed. Just be aware that reunions seem to go through an initial honeymoon period before settling in to a more comfortable or complex relationship. You may benefit from support during this time, either from a qualified therapist or a group of parents who have shared experiences with adoption, loss, and reunion.

Fathers And Feelings

Though mothers have been studied with greater frequency than fathers, we have every reason to believe that exiled fathers suffer lifelong effects as well. My organization has received a multitude of requests from fathers seeking to fight or overturn the adoptions of their children. These men appear to be as distressed as their female counterparts over their experiences. Fathers should not be afraid to seek help and speak out about the treatment they received at the hands of the adoption industry. You can support a grieving father as you would a grieving mother, by acknowledging his parenthood and respecting the fact that he has experienced a true and tragic loss.

When An Open Adoption Becomes Closed

According to Heather Carlini, founder of the Carlini Institute which trains post-adoption counselors, the majority of open adoptions end up being closed by the adopters at some point. After her daughter’s adopters cut off contact with her, one mother was told by her adoption agency that more than 80 percent of open adoptions end up being closed against the mother’s wishes.

When a parent is expecting to have continued contact, losing that connection is devastating. If you have lost your child to an open adoption that was suddenly closed by the adopters, you may find it cathartic to speak out about your experience. By speaking up, you can help educate other women about the premise of open adoption and share your experiences with those considering this path. Many mothers find that using their grief and anger to motivate their advocacy provides them with a sense of comfort.